CKAFBAOS - A Toast by Chris

Thought you all would get a kick out of this - I believe it's the last CKAFBAOS speech he wrote....

Ladies and Gentlemen, the time has come again to send this year off with a bit of a bang. For those of you who have never spent a New Years with the Nut Crowd, this is the part of the evening where we celebrate our friend's accomplishments with the annual Curt Knox Award for Bravery and/or Stupidity. For those of you who have been here in New Years past, you'll be happy to know that tonight's presentation will be short and sweet and will contain a number of toasts to the events of the new year.

Sadly, this year saw the demise of the Nut. After years of abuse at the hands of those present, the Nut finally closed its doors - and then quickly re-opened under new ownership. If we could drink one final toast to the house at 44 Chestnut and the memories within: May the senate sub-committee never learn the truth.

With the demise of the Nut came a long awaited change. When the Denizens of the Nut decided that the time had come to shut the doors, they set a date and packed their things. When the new Tennants - a small upstart group lead by Ray's brother - showed up with their stuff, they found that Rick Lindstrom - who by all accounts had lived in the house for over 18 years - was still in his room, sleeping and nothing had been packed. This being said, he did eventually move out of the house, so here's to Rick Lindstrom for getting out alive.

The Nut was not the only institution to take a hit this year, as several people gave up their bachelorhood and bachlorettedness, moving into the sacred bondage of holy matrimony. Would everyone who got married in the past year please step forward and be recognized, and ladies and gentlemen, may we lift our glasses to these fine young couples. May the adventures they share provide fodder for speeches for years go come.

There is an individual missing here tonight who needs to be mentioned. Not was this individual truly an inspired visionary throughout Y2K, he is one of the few people present or not to embody the qualities of Bravery and or Stupidity. So again, ladies and gentlemen, may I ask you to raise your glasses and throw one back for Mr. Douglas Knox. Doug, wherever you may be, this is for you.

And speaking of Doug, his planning and implementation of a certain event we simply call 'Nutstock' was ground zero for this year's bravery and or stupidity award recipient. Lots of things happened at Nutstock, but one thing that not many people know is that there were hidden cameras placed all around the lake, so tonight's festivities are compliments of my latest web creation 'mynakedfriends.com' of which you can become a member for a nominal fee of $15.00. A month. Here's to my naked friends.

Nutstock was the grandson of the June First BBQ - and in the planning of the event, many decisions had to be made. Some were good and some were bad. None were as long lasting and tedious as this year's selection of the United States president.

As a side note, I'm thinking of moving to Florida to make my fortune into Porn. I'll be called Hangin Chad and my first skin flick will be called 'We kept swinging until we Bush'.


Well, on Nutstock's early July evening, something memorable and outrageous happened. As the bonfire singed the trees and the port-a-poties swayed with excess, something very special was happening in Tent City. With 4 kegs gone and 2 to go, the word of the day was 'beer'. Some people drank all night long while some drifted into restful sleeps. For one person, the sleep was not so restful.

With noise all around, this year's award winner arose from his sleep with an ungodly pressure in his bladder. Though still tipsy from a day of drinking, the individual groped about in the tent for the zipper that would lead him to the outdoor. The pressure kept building. He fumbled in the darkness like a high school freshman with a bra-strap and much to his dismay, the door to the tent was nowhere to be found. Was there a door? He was sure there had been when he fell asleep. The pressure kept building..... and building....... and building. We're talking hover dam here. Well, the time finally came for this individual to make a decision: this individual had to either find the zipper or piss in the tent. There were no other choices. The pressure kept building and reached a critical point, at which time our hero could take it no more - he reached into his pants and whipped out a KNIFE - and with that knife, our hero sliced a hole in the side of the tent and hobbled into the darkness, pants around ankles, faucets on full....

Ladies and gentlemen, please raise your glasses to this year's recipient of the Curt Knox Award for Bravery and or Stupidity, Mr Clark Fearon, who - much to the dismay of his girlfriend Paula - made the late night decision to slice into the tent - that Paula had borrowed from her boss....